some proposed resolutions for the electronic community

the world would be a better place if these proposed new year resolutions were adhered to by all. maybe.

tickets

“last few tickets remaining, we wouldn’t want you to miss out” posts many a promotion on facebook. sure. of course. how altruistic. please stop. you aren’t kidding anyone that a) you are actually down to your last few tickets, and 2) that you give a shit who is at your party. after all, someone is going to miss out, will they get a letter of condolence? claiming “limited capacity” is also a laugh. what venue doesn’t have a limited capacity? even our actual planet has its limits.

snapbacks

yeah, they were cool when you saw that guy in one. but then you got one. and so did your mate. and before long even that floppy haired pop pin-up from one direction was wearing one. now your mum knows what a snapback is. time to move on.

sync debate

no one cares that some idiot presses play on a pre-recorded set for some idiots who barely know who the idiot playing is to dance to like idiots. of course it isn’t djing, of course it isn’t devaluing the art of djing, in fact it’s probably doing the opposite. tits might claim anyone who can count to four can be a vinyl dj and that it’s “the past”, but you and i both know prosumer/craig richards/andrew weatherall/etc aren’t the djs they are just because they are numerate.

fighting publically

house and techno is not mid 90s hip hop. quit fighting with each other. when someone does something i don’t like, i forget about it and move on. the swedish house mafia’s antics are about as relevant to our shit as heat magazine is to investigative journalism. just do your do.

venue: tba

ah tba, that lazy attempt to cash in on some 90s nostalgia. but alas, a nasty warehouse with shitty sound, muddy floors and pissy toilets does not necessarily a memorable rave make. just tell us where it is already. better still, use an actual venue.

chart postions

the world does not need hourly updates (nor screen shots) about where your latest track is sitting in any chart. that information is for you, and even then it shouldn’t matter. begging for help to get you higher is what crack addicts do. have some decorum.

poor quality vinyl

it’s dope that vinyl is back. i’m fully subscribed. but, if you’re going to do the decent thing and commit something to wax, get it done properly. too many tunes on one side is no good for anyone, and quiet pressings just get a subconscious black mark next to them in the library of your mind as they slip ever further to the back of your collection. and who wants such a fate for their sonic creations?

clear vinyl

even bedroom djs will know that clear vinyl is sent from hell to fuck you up mid mix. it never starts where you thought and it always ends in a different place than the one you were cuing for. stick to black or colours, puh-lease.

90s house

like all trends, it came, it conquered, it concussed us into boredom. the world tried hard but still no-one managed to out kerri chandler kerri chandler, so let’s finally un-tether that now well weathered boat and cast it off for burial at sea: we need another flappy shutter snare and stabby organ bassline like we need a breaks revival.

drip fed festival headliners

attempting to stay in the headlines for 6 months by releasing your headliners one at a time is a cheap trick. one fulsome dump should be enough. if it’s not, book better people.

boomkat write up

a write-up on boomkat is not a review. they are trying to sell that shit. stop shouting about it like you just got licked by a virgin.

you might also like:

on the record ~ the organ grinder
the organ grinder is one of the few du jour producers making 90s inspired house who was actually old enough to live it first time round. i...
interview ~ mark e
for nearly a decade now mark e has been treating us with his luxuriant sounds. for much of his career, the formerly birmingham and now oxf...
on the record ~ guillaume & the coutu dumonts
canadian guillaume & the coutu dumonts is a subversive producer. that he’s a formally trained musician shines through in his music on ...
teshcast special ~ pride of gombe
kicking off the year in teshcasts in 2014 is this, a special mix put together by bnjmn to represent what you might be treated to at the ni...

16 comments »

  1. brendon says:

    damn straight. happy new year, brother.

  2. deadmowgli says:

    Had me fucking creasing! Excellent post. dm

  3. gooram says:

    I disagree about the comments regarding tickets and limited space. Sure, I want the cops to find out well in advance where my party is. And yeah, I have shitloads of money for booking huge venues and the staff required for that, and I don’t think there’s anything culturally or politically motivating about free parties.

    90s idealism was fun, but these days we’re lucky to have capitalism instead.

    So much for irony. About limited space, I have fought with too many screeching dumb bimbos and himbos when they’ve been told that unfortunately we can’t let anyone enter anymore. The only thing that can shut them up and make them go away is to show them the flyer that actually says “limited capacity, no entry when the space is full/after 4 pm”. Machine guns might work as well, but unfortunately we’re pacifists.

  4. rubixhelix says:

    totally agree with this, but you know the douchery will only grow >:/

  5. Jimmy Ellis says:

    How about some idiot promoters not getting greedy and massively overselling events.
    I like to dance to dance music.
    Don’t get me wrong I like to be in a busy venue having a good time, but when you’re on the dancefloor you want to be able to move more than 2 inches in any given direction.

  6. anon says:

    haha great list. my entire city is victim to everything mentioned.

  7. w says:

    what the fuck do snapbacks have to do with techno?

  8. Agreed, great points all around, but I still don’t know what a “snapback” is…

  9. [...] of the main points in Teshno’s whiny end of the year list, titled “proposed resolutions for the electronic community” touches on 90s house. It [...]

  10. Nick says:

    Brilliant; snappy and accurate.

  11. lucas says:

    I been to warehouse parties with a funktion one, you must be going to the wrong spots

  12. Si says:

    Add promoters doing the whole ‘Early bird/second release/third release’ pricing model – seriously annoying and a total rip off.

    Also you mentioned a breaks revival – a load of the music I’ve heard this year (future garage or whatever its called) sounds very similar to what was coming out around the breaks period. Just waiting for someone to do another horrendous breaks/futua garridge remix of Paul Van Dyk – For An Angel to confirm the breaks comeback.

  13. [...] might have dissed on 90s house in my tongue-in-cheek new year resolutions feature, but more specifically it’s the hoards of imitators with whom i have grown tired. the good [...]

  14. [...] of the main points in Teshno’s whiny end of the year list, titled “proposed resolutions for the electronic community” touches on 90s house. It [...]

rss feed for comments on this post. / trackBack uri

gwaaan, leave a comment, but remember; no-one likes a bully... »

interview ~ norm talley


detroit’s norm talley might have started out producing back in 1997, but it’s hard to imagine he’s been more popular than he is now, in 2014.

read the rest of interview ~ norm talley (…)

john barera & will martin ~ graceless on dolly


it’s fair to say john barera and will martin have now done enough to be celebrated as much more than the dudes who provided steffi with the best track on her panorama bar 05 mix last year.

read the rest of john barera & will (…)

lerosa – shoot the owner ep on ferox


the welcome revival of ferox records continues apace here with a fresh sounding new ep from lerosa.

read the rest of lerosa – shoot the (…)

jackmaster headlines rise festival in the alpes


rise festival is a brand new musical and alpine adventure taking place in the french alps between 13th and 20th december this year.

read the rest of jackmaster headlines rise festival (…)

get lost viii mixed by craig richards on crosstown rebels


craig richards is a great dj, few would – could – argue with that, but why?

read the rest of get lost viii mixed (…)

teshcast 7 til 8am ~ maps


maps is james chapman

read the rest of teshcast 7 til 8am (…)

on the record ~ john barera


undoubtedly one of the breakout house producers of the last year or so is john barera.

read the rest of on the record ~ (…)

movement torino outlines 2014 festival


planned between saturday october 24th and sunday november 2nd, this year the sister festival to demf has got a mini tour lined up ahead of the main event, it will see 15 parties take place around europe and comes hot on the heels of movement vs dc 10 in ibiza.

read the rest of movement torino outlines 2014 (…)

dgtl head to ade


having just hosted a successful festival in the city, dutch promotion crew dgtl have now announced their intentions for this year’s ade.

read the rest of dgtl head to ade (…)

butter side up party with friends


on friday august 29th, leeds’ foremost intimate underground party is having an end of summer/start of the new season party with a selection of their closest dj friends.

read the rest of butter side up party (…)

on the record ~ borrowed identity


romanian born but germany based borrowed identity has been building momentum for a while now.

read the rest of on the record ~ (…)

the rainbow programmes 16 weeks of events


from september through to new year’s day 2015, birmingham’s the rainbow is to host a series of big events to celebrate a decade in the game.

read the rest of the rainbow programmes 16 (…)

on the record ~ charlie bennett


london’s own charlie bennett has been grafting tirelessly at the electronic coalface for the best part of two decades now.

read the rest of on the record ~ (…)

movement takes over dc10


movement might best be know as the electronic festival that takes place in both detroit and turin, but in the coming weeks it is also to be a club night at ibiza’s dc10.

read the rest of movement takes over dc10 (…)

guy gerber & p diddy ~ my heart


one thing that seems to have characterised the stateside edm explosion is collaboration.

read the rest of guy gerber & p (…)

youandewan, scuba and more play birmingham


a trio of big nights is coming to birmingham between the 8th and 10th august 2014.

read the rest of youandewan, scuba and more (…)

josh brent ~ then again on the nothing special


for the tenth release on the nothing special, craig richards presents us with a reissue of a sought-after 2004 ep from josh brent, or as he’s probably better known, schatrax.

read the rest of josh brent ~ then (…)

on the record ~ deetron


deetron classes himself as “somewhere in between” house and techno, and that’s probably a fair self-assessment of the swiss man’s sound.

read the rest of on the record ~ (…)

on the record ~ jennifer cardini


jennifer cardini is the french dj synonymous with serious selections that call on electro, classically inclined house and techno and more besides.

read the rest of on the record ~ (…)

sankeys celebrates 20 years


the manchester institution has unveiled a load of special celebrations in honour of the fact it has now been in operation for two whole decades.

read the rest of sankeys celebrates 20 years (…)