some proposed resolutions for the electronic community

the world would be a better place if these proposed new year resolutions were adhered to by all. maybe.

tickets

“last few tickets remaining, we wouldn’t want you to miss out” posts many a promotion on facebook. sure. of course. how altruistic. please stop. you aren’t kidding anyone that a) you are actually down to your last few tickets, and 2) that you give a shit who is at your party. after all, someone is going to miss out, will they get a letter of condolence? claiming “limited capacity” is also a laugh. what venue doesn’t have a limited capacity? even our actual planet has its limits.

snapbacks

yeah, they were cool when you saw that guy in one. but then you got one. and so did your mate. and before long even that floppy haired pop pin-up from one direction was wearing one. now your mum knows what a snapback is. time to move on.

sync debate

no one cares that some idiot presses play on a pre-recorded set for some idiots who barely know who the idiot playing is to dance to like idiots. of course it isn’t djing, of course it isn’t devaluing the art of djing, in fact it’s probably doing the opposite. tits might claim anyone who can count to four can be a vinyl dj and that it’s “the past”, but you and i both know prosumer/craig richards/andrew weatherall/etc aren’t the djs they are just because they are numerate.

fighting publically

house and techno is not mid 90s hip hop. quit fighting with each other. when someone does something i don’t like, i forget about it and move on. the swedish house mafia’s antics are about as relevant to our shit as heat magazine is to investigative journalism. just do your do.

venue: tba

ah tba, that lazy attempt to cash in on some 90s nostalgia. but alas, a nasty warehouse with shitty sound, muddy floors and pissy toilets does not necessarily a memorable rave make. just tell us where it is already. better still, use an actual venue.

chart postions

the world does not need hourly updates (nor screen shots) about where your latest track is sitting in any chart. that information is for you, and even then it shouldn’t matter. begging for help to get you higher is what crack addicts do. have some decorum.

poor quality vinyl

it’s dope that vinyl is back. i’m fully subscribed. but, if you’re going to do the decent thing and commit something to wax, get it done properly. too many tunes on one side is no good for anyone, and quiet pressings just get a subconscious black mark next to them in the library of your mind as they slip ever further to the back of your collection. and who wants such a fate for their sonic creations?

clear vinyl

even bedroom djs will know that clear vinyl is sent from hell to fuck you up mid mix. it never starts where you thought and it always ends in a different place than the one you were cuing for. stick to black or colours, puh-lease.

90s house

like all trends, it came, it conquered, it concussed us into boredom. the world tried hard but still no-one managed to out kerri chandler kerri chandler, so let’s finally un-tether that now well weathered boat and cast it off for burial at sea: we need another flappy shutter snare and stabby organ bassline like we need a breaks revival.

drip fed festival headliners

attempting to stay in the headlines for 6 months by releasing your headliners one at a time is a cheap trick. one fulsome dump should be enough. if it’s not, book better people.

boomkat write up

a write-up on boomkat is not a review. they are trying to sell that shit. stop shouting about it like you just got licked by a virgin.

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16 comments »

  1. brendon says:

    damn straight. happy new year, brother.

  2. deadmowgli says:

    Had me fucking creasing! Excellent post. dm

  3. gooram says:

    I disagree about the comments regarding tickets and limited space. Sure, I want the cops to find out well in advance where my party is. And yeah, I have shitloads of money for booking huge venues and the staff required for that, and I don’t think there’s anything culturally or politically motivating about free parties.

    90s idealism was fun, but these days we’re lucky to have capitalism instead.

    So much for irony. About limited space, I have fought with too many screeching dumb bimbos and himbos when they’ve been told that unfortunately we can’t let anyone enter anymore. The only thing that can shut them up and make them go away is to show them the flyer that actually says “limited capacity, no entry when the space is full/after 4 pm”. Machine guns might work as well, but unfortunately we’re pacifists.

  4. rubixhelix says:

    totally agree with this, but you know the douchery will only grow >:/

  5. Jimmy Ellis says:

    How about some idiot promoters not getting greedy and massively overselling events.
    I like to dance to dance music.
    Don’t get me wrong I like to be in a busy venue having a good time, but when you’re on the dancefloor you want to be able to move more than 2 inches in any given direction.

  6. anon says:

    haha great list. my entire city is victim to everything mentioned.

  7. w says:

    what the fuck do snapbacks have to do with techno?

  8. Agreed, great points all around, but I still don’t know what a “snapback” is…

  9. [...] of the main points in Teshno’s whiny end of the year list, titled “proposed resolutions for the electronic community” touches on 90s house. It [...]

  10. Nick says:

    Brilliant; snappy and accurate.

  11. lucas says:

    I been to warehouse parties with a funktion one, you must be going to the wrong spots

  12. Si says:

    Add promoters doing the whole ‘Early bird/second release/third release’ pricing model – seriously annoying and a total rip off.

    Also you mentioned a breaks revival – a load of the music I’ve heard this year (future garage or whatever its called) sounds very similar to what was coming out around the breaks period. Just waiting for someone to do another horrendous breaks/futua garridge remix of Paul Van Dyk – For An Angel to confirm the breaks comeback.

  13. [...] might have dissed on 90s house in my tongue-in-cheek new year resolutions feature, but more specifically it’s the hoards of imitators with whom i have grown tired. the good [...]

  14. [...] of the main points in Teshno’s whiny end of the year list, titled “proposed resolutions for the electronic community” touches on 90s house. It [...]

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